This past week I was with my family camping in the Rockies.  In the days before we left I was feeling bored with day to day activities and also a little stressed trying to prepare for a week away with a one year old.  The trip was long as we stopped numerous times for road construction and to ease Rowan's fussiness.  By the time we reached the mountains I was fatigued. 

With my regular destress routine out of whack with travel and unsuitable conditions for doing yoga I had little hope of relieving my fatigue in usual ways.  After setting up our camp we walked to a nearby river to show Rowan this majesty of nature that she hadn't seen before.  As she clapped and squealed for the fast moving water I noticed the tension in my neck and spine begin to melt.  My fatigue lifted and a renewed sense of aliveness was present.  Certainly, having arrived at camp and prepared our "home" lifted some of the weight off me but there was something very noticable happening as I sat by the river.  I felt everything in me beg to be afftected by it's flow.  Like my whole being wanted to take on it's characteristics - that of fluidity, crispness, clarity.   My mind gave in and all concerns about the past or future became washed away by the sound of water rushing over rock and the crisp feel of misty air.  I've been by many rivers in my life, never before had I been so receptive to letting it run through me.  Not just past me, or near me - but through me.  And for a moment I wasn't the stressed out mom or bossy wife I had been moments prior.  I was the vibratory echo of one of nature's most beautiful gifts.  I looked west to the grand mountain that rested above the river and again felt magnetized to let it in, to be affected by it's immensity.  I felt it's solidity, groundedness and mass and it brought me into a deep feeling of earthiness.  The sun radiated it's illumination right into my very pores.  It enlightened the darkness of my stressful mind while the soft breeze of the day reminded me to breathe.  There was an intimacy with the scene that I had nothing to do with.  The deep, forgotten elements of flow, groundedness and illumination within me were called forth by nature to meet themselves again.  In the midst of this joyful reunion I noted how uncharicteristically my mind let go to this process.  Nature's call to balance was so huge that my egoic mind had no chance of holding on to the negative thoughts and anxiety's it had been grasping, and so it surrendered.  

This experience was so uncontrolled, so wild, that when it started to fade I knew that because I hadn't created it, I couldn't hold on to it.  But it has made me more sensitive to the rhythms of the world around me.  Can I let myself be affected, and perhaps balanced, by the slow steady rhythm of my husband's energy which is so different from my fast paced more erractic rhythm?  What would it be like to stop before the flowers of my garden and let them inside?  To let their soft, delicate nature mirror my own and call it forth in the times when I feel myself hardening?   What is it like for you when you are affected by something completely? 

Two nights ago I became completely absorbed in a biography on country music legend Merle Haggard.  Had I come across the listing on the TV guide I wouldn't have given it any thought but my husband landed there channel surfing - and there I remained for the next hour and a half, entranced by the story of a man whose life couldn't be more different than my own.  Or at least so I thought.   All my life people such as Merle Haggard, Hank Williams and WIllie Nelson represented everything I didn't want to be.  To me they represented right wing conservativism and a sort of redneck tribalism that left minorities outside the fringe of human rights.  Merle stated that he wrote Oke from Muskogee as a response to the hippy movement of the late sixties.  It "pissed him off" he said, that the hippies didn't know what was going on in Vietnam any more than he did.  The lyrics of the song reflect his resistence to the hippy movement and his pride in being an Oke from Muskogee, where they like "livin' right" and where the "kids here still respect the college dean".  As a recovering activist and wannabe hippy his opinion on the state of things in the 60's would have at one time affronted me greatly.  But, as I sat in front of my tv, softer and more receptive at this stage in my life I realized his point.  I saw through the eyes of the "other" in regard to the conflict and resistence of the 60's.  And it felt so good to be reunited with a perspective that I had rejected for so many years.  I felt that he was no more right than the hippies but that both had a truth to convey, but that truth was partial.  That night holding the perspective of both made my heart feel lighter.  I can appreciate the idealism of a demographic desparate for something other than what the establishment can give them.  But, as I learned Merle's story I can also hold the reality of the opposite that speaks of patriotism, and the everyday struggles of people just trying to get by. Holding the opposites is the work of the non-dual tradition in yoga.  I realized that my judgement of Merle and his music had been partial and disregards multidimensional nature of every human being.  His songs, while being about things completely opposite than those that I tended to value came out of his attempt to deal with his life, his feelings and himself.  Not so much different than what yoga or writing does for me.  The name of the documentary was "Learning To Live With Myself" named after one of his songs.  The depth and pain behind his eyes as he talked about his life and music reflected my own in moments when learning to live with myself is truly the hardest thing of all -  and  the motive behind my own yogic journey and spiritual search.  Everything he wrote was a sort of "naming" of what is.  He brought awareness to his feelings and life through music, just as I might through my breath and asana.   So as I spent an evening with Merle Haggard I was reminded again of how each of us, no matter how far apart we may be on religious, political or economical spectrums are all trying to come to terms with our humanity.  I am grateful for having stumbled on something completely out of the ordinary, leaving me feeling a sense of wholeness for recognizing myself in the "other". 

Yoga guilt.  We've all been there.  That icky feeling of not quite measuring up because it's been 3 days since your last practice.  The little despot in your head starts throwing insults about how you're obviously not serious about yoga, not meant to practice or teach it and generally just an all around slob.  Maybe it's just me whose hefty inner critic has heckled me in this way - but I doubt it.  Those days are mostly past me now and instead of guilt after missing a practice or two I just feel a genuine longing to be back on my mat.  This changed for me when I realized that "disciplining" myself into practice really just lead me away from intimacy with life and spirit.  When I really looked at it the voice that prompted me day after day to "get on it" was really the insecure mutter of my ego.  Practicing in order to live up to standards in my own head created by an egoistic ideal was a practice no doubt - one bent on maintaining the illusion of my separateness. 

I teach yoga as a way for creating greater intimacy with life.  For me, yoga is generally a sure fire way to know the moment with greater clarity, understanding and love.  But sometimes it's not.  Sometimes, greater intimacy comes from a walk with a friend, a meander through my yard or an afternoon nap. And, all of these things can also serve to distract me from myself too!  When I want to do something other than yoga I like to inquire a little bit: Is what I'm about to do instead of my yoga practice going to help me know the moment and see myself as I really am today?  Will a walk with a friend, move me closer to Spirit?  Will a nap be a way to avoid myself or will in reenergize me so that I may move into the next part of my day with greater clarity?  With love as my intention, I then let myself be moved by my greater intelligence.  It feels like a magnetizing toward something.  I feel pulled, called toward one act or another - and most the time I act in good faith and follow the call.  This power of discernment and willingness to listen to my intuition has come over time, with much self-inquiry and willingness to let something other than ego take over once in a while.  It starts starts with a pause, a tuning in, and a longing to challenge the contracted ideas in our mind that keep us "disciplined" in the art of self-loathing.

Ironically, but understandably, since being liberated from the tyranny of a disciplined practice I find myself on my mat more regularly than ever before.  Questioning my guilt, the notion of discipline and what I thought I was striving for lead to being set free of these things. In the space that is no longer clogged by the drama of discipline there is something else.  It is the call of Spirit reminding me that I need not strive through unrelenting discipline to find It - It is looking for me.  So today, be easy on yourself.  Dance your way to your mat if Spirit's call is asking you to tango with a few asana.  If it's not, carry on beautiful child of yoga, because It will, and when guilt and self criticism is no longer there to muffle the sound of it's sweet voice you will truly be able to hear It. 

There is nothing like feeling radiantly alive.  Having enough energy to engage your life, relationships and work in a healthy and balanced way is essential to wellbeing.  What follows is a practice for helping  you cultivate and recognize your natural vibrancy.  The practice is two fold.  First, we tune in to the frequency of our energy body, or prana, and second we then invite awakening to this body through a variety of exercises. 

Awareness:  Here we are basically changing the "channel" of our attention.   We shift our attention from the channel of thoughts, preconceived notions about ourselves and our body, ideas and concepts to the channel of direct perception of sensation in the body.  As we descend our attention and dwell there for a few minutes we begin to sense the aliveness that "just is" within our tissues, bones and cells.  I like to tap the body from head to toe, as in Qi Gong, as a way to help focus attention on energy,  Spending time connecting to this aliveness it starts to become apparent that this aliveness is bigger than the borders of our physical flesh and bone.  We start to feel ourselves as expanded and spacious.  In connecting to our energy we become more sensitive to the flows and blockages within.   Often just shifting our attention to the energy body, our aliveness, creates a greater sense of well being because we are no longer focussing on worrysome thoughts or areas of discomfort in the body. 

Relaxation:  Allowing awareness to fall on all parts of our being is the first step toward relaxation.  Try it.  As you let your awareness fall on sensation, emotion and thought without getting stuck anywhere there is a natural unwinding uf tensions that take place.  When tensions release energy that has been locked in holding patterns can flow.  There is a misconception in yoga that faster paced, more rigorous styles of yoga are most effective for increasing energy.  Often, especially for beginners, fast paced classes does not allow for us to "tune in" and instead simply reinforced mental, physical and energetic patterns that keep us locked up.   As we relax through guided relaxation or supportive asana, muscles release, energy, blood, oxygen and nutrients can flow through our system and we become more sensitive and alive. 

Breath:  As the muscles and mental patterns that have us locked down around our diaphragm start to soften the breath becomes freer.  As we breath more fully the blood becomes more oxygenated, there is a feeling of lightness that results through the muscles.   The breathwork can be simple 3 part breath, or more complex pranayama such as ujjayi and kapalabhati.  If you are a beginner it is enough to just increase the depth and length of the breath.  (all complex pranayama should be done with an experienced teacher to begin with).

Movement:  Having cultivated a relaxed and tuned in attitude and more open breath we can now engage a movement practice that will truly build and free energy .  Asana, in the form of gentle flows, where muscles contract and release helps to pump blood, oxygen and nutrients through the system.  Heat arises and dissolves, joints find their range of motion, sinovial fluid is moved, lymph is circulated.  All of these things are the manifestation of energy's animating force flowing and working in your being.  Sometimes there are insights and emotions that rise up.  It's all energy. We are all energy.  From the gentle flowing asana it is helpful to move into static poses where we can spend time feeling, continually reconnecting to energy.  The static postures allows us to move into blockages and allow them more and more space to unwind.  Here we find ways of being in the body that fosters efficient use of energy and movement through alignment cues.  Once we are warm and aware then engaging a back bend sequence nourishes the nervous system and fosters alertness and vigor. 

Grounding:  After building energy the tendency is to want it to serve the ego's desire to get more done or go faster.  So we spend time in grounding asana, relaxation and setting intention.  Can your new found energy serve Spirit rather than ego?  Luckily, when getting in touch with our energy we also get in touch with the subtler connections and relationships around us.  It is easier to serve Spirit, or the Good of the Whole, when we engage life from a place beyond our ideas and thoughts. 

This practice is an introduction to playing in the realm of energy.  Have fun with it!  Let me know what you find!
If you have interest in engaging this practice in more depth please join me for the Vibrant Life Retreat on August 7th, 2010 held at Miquelon Lake Provincial Park, 20 minutes north of Camrose, Alberta.  If you think exploring energy is great alone wait til you try it in a group!   

Every once in a while I get sick of trying to make myself feel better with yoga.  Yesterday was such a day. After a small argument with my husband I prepared to enter the haven of my practice and I couldn't.  Every time I approached my mat a well of anger rose up in me.  I could have simply trudged through the thick wall of irritation that paralyzed my movements, as some approaches to yoga advise.  Instead I fell onto my bed, face stuffed cock-eyed into a pillow and stared blankly into the mess of my ensuite bathroom.  Blink.  "What the hell's going on?"  Blink.  "I only have an hour until Rowan wakes up from her nap, I've got to get on this practice if I'm going to" Blink.  Cue tear.  Blink.  Blink.  And there it was - sadness.  The aching in my eyes and the center of my chest made it unmistakable.  I didn't move, which is uncharacteristic of me, instead I just lay there, feeling. 

The anger that was hot inside me just moments ago seemed completely dissolved.   I let the weight of my body sink into the memory foam beneath me and laid there like a child who's favorite toy had just been run over by a car - feeling helpless against the forces of the world beyond my control.  Often when I sit with sadness everything that has made me sad since the last time I allowed myself to feel it rises up - disagreements with my husband, the oil spill in the Gulf, the lonely face of an old man in the coffee shop I frequent.  I was intentional with my breath and let it gently push into the aching areas in my body.   Then, something other than my will flopped me onto a bolster and I laid there with my spine supported and chest wide open.  I committed myself to staying there for as long as my sadness needed.  It must have been at least 15 minutes before I felt the urge to wiggle a little bit - knees up, little sway from side to side.  And then a full practice ensued.  

By the end of my practice I realized the great service my resistance and anger did for me an hour prior.  I approached my practice initially as a way to evade the discomfort of my argument with my husband.  I wanted to feel better and I wanted to use yoga to do that for me.  But sadness needed to be felt, not placated, not bandaided but truly understood and processed.  There are many things that we can use to placate our uncomfortable feelings - chocolate, beer, shopping, American Idol - the list is virtually endless.  Has yoga been added to your list as a way to evade reality?  Maybe what you experience resistance to your practice is simply something inside you that is sick and tired of being "fixed" by yoga.  Maybe, instead, all that lives within you simply wants to be held by it.  Perhaps the resistance isn't ego but  Spirit begging you to cease the obsession with fixing, changing or bettering yourself.  In a world full of ways to placate our sorrows, surely a system with 3000 years of experience in healing can offer more to us than a simple bandaid.